Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This house was built for laser tag.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
