I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
