I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
