Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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