I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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