you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
