So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
