True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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