i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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