One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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