why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
