What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
