are you still at the devil's house?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
