I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
