well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
