Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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