Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
