He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
