She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
