I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
