Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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