I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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