I should be sponsored by Trojan
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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