I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
