no, he came in my armpit
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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