I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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