he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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