Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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