there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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