lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
