I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
