I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
