The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
