I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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