The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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