I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
