All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
