Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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