I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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