I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
