I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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