So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
