headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
