allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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