it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
