i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
