i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
