the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
