Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
