Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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